It Aint Life If There's No Pain

Wake up call big time. Today has set my head spinning round and round out of the blue. It wasn't even anything major but at the same time still something that effected me to the point where now I'm starting to question a few things. Like why I am the way I am. All I could come up with is the life I have lived so far has been a life full of pain. One that never seems to go the way I want it, but I continue to settle for what it gives me in hopes that one I can finally get my way. I know right now I have the sounds of a stubborn child thats starting an internet rant, but seriously think about it. Have you ever felt this way before? That life throws all these things at you good and bad, but for some reason your still not satisfied? Not being greedy, just somethings are missing that would truly make you feel complete and happy. Ive been like this for awhile now, about two years...Sad to say its when she went away that my whole life started to change but its what was expected. Did I expect it to end up the way it is now? No I never did, because all it did was bring more pain. Even when I thought I was catching on to something that would make me happy, it seemed to never go as planned. I'm slowly starting to accept things like that but me being human and having all these emotions is making me still scream out fuck that! to a couple of things. Life throws some curve balls your way, let me tell you. Never thought I would be where I am today or how I am. I was never like this, I feel like inside is the real me, or yet the old me being suppressed by this new me that has taken center stage and the responsibility of acting out life. As sad as that sounds, and against some things I believe in, it is me. I can accept it all though which is why I feel I am different from the others. I can say that I am this way, and this is why. Why am I thought? Simple, I miss feeling safe, I miss feeling complete, I miss that comfort. I never had any of these things growing up. A shitty child hood scared by parents breaking up, neither of them really being there after words and having to grow up to fast in order to survive. Thats ok now right? Not even, it still effects me to this day. Especially now that for once I actually had that and I feel I never will have it again. Which is partly my fault because I never want to open up as much as I could to a new person. I still make comparisons, I still get stuck on the what if's and hesitate or think of the negative things that can happen. Ha, its funny because I always tell people not to do those things. Only so that they do not end up like me though. No one should feel the way I do every day...Its fine though, this is what I must deal with and no one else. Over time I feel I will be ok again one day. But now is not that time. Too cold to give a damn to really try. Or when I do I end up disappointed. Thats life though right? Yeah thats life. Which I can accept. This person trapped inside though...I wish I could compromise with him. But at the same time I feel if I do that I wont make any progress at all. I wont move forward and I'll be trapped in an endless cycle of sorrow and despair. Not something I am trying to deal with. Not at all...Per Aspera Ad Astra