The Hell that is Black Friday.

Thanksgiving; A time that comes when leaves start to fall and ovens start to hum.I It’s symbolic of familial togetherness and that warm fuzzy feeling in your stomach known as the Itis. Now Thanksgiving is a little more synonymous with strategizing and figuring out tactics for Black Friday. The biggest shopping day of the year, aside from the day after Christmas, seems to grow exponentially bigger every year it’s allowed to breathe. At this point, it’s grown to such an extinct that the cage we’ve created for it is no longer sufficient to house the monster, leaving it to fester in it’s own filth. Take, for instance, this year’s experience with the beast.
After eating a sizable, Itis-inducing meal at my aunt’s house I made it a point to get the hell out of dodge by nightfall and back with my friends. Nothing against my family, but being home for the holidays isn’t too fun when after the incentive of food has been taken away. As much as I tried to nap, I couldn’t seem to manage a few minutes of slumber, so I left home around 8:00 in the evening and departed back to my own humble abode. The whole drive back all that was on my mind was that greenery we didn’t get to, and the deals to be had the next morning. AlleyCat’s words repeatedly rang in my ear, “when everybody gets back we’ll smoke the rest of it.” You gotta love home.
I arrived back a little before everybody else so I had to find some way to entertain myself while waiting; that’s nothing a little porn and video games couldn’t cure. An hour before midnight I got the call from up-top saying that the majority of the eagles had landed. We had only to wait for Satan to get back from the inevitably wild Thanksgiving he was having. I rushed over to hang with AlleyCat and Trooper, trading stories and laughs while I multi-tasked rolling that blunt that we had all been waiting for.
A little earlier, Satan had texted me saying “Ok, so Best Buy opens at five, and Wal-Mart is opening earlier than that with the Mall being our last stop. What’s the plan?” Judging by that text, I knew what wasn’t the plan, and that was sleeping. As far as where to start our journey, I didn’t give two fucks, seeing as how I was just going for the ride and the company of friends.
Midnight struck and Satan walked in, carrying ass loads of food and dessert. I swear, Thanksgiving is a stoner’s best friend. As soon as he set the bags down, he looked at us with a sense of urgency.
“Yo, we gotta start leaving now. Fucking Best Buy already has a serious line, and I’m not missing my shit.”
“Wait... what about the blunt?” we all rebutted simultaneously.
“Fuck that! We’ll blaze on the way, I’m parked right outside.” he counter-argued. Well, it looked like Satan was once again victorious. Looks like my Black Friday was starting a tad bit ahead of schedule, at 12:35
We scurried into the car and took off. First order of business? Light the Christmas tree. Usually I tend not to be cocky, but I barred this blunt. No question about it. Lasting from the time we put the car in drive until it was in park in front of Best Buy, I can safely say I started my shopping spree right... That is until I saw the fucking line. Spanning a corner and three massive stores, this shit was, for lack of a better word, epic. Just as we decided how to assess the situation, we all realized in unison that we were overly famished. Burger King was in order.
Pulling into the drive-thru we realized that not a single light was on, but that wasn’t gonna stop a thing. Satan even tried to reason with the King.
“King I need you, please! Be open! Where are you?!? Damn you, King. Damn you.” The negotiation process seemed to be working against us, so we drove through and decided that maybe we didn’t need to eat after all. Exiting the drive-thru, I noticed a sign saying “Open Thanksgiving!” Oh, how ironic. The thing is, we couldn’t sue because it was Friday... No longer Thanksgiving.
“Great now we’ve probably lost a few spots in line,” I said.
“It won’t matter, all the Chinese in line are just gonna grab everything in the store and start handing it out personally anyways,” Satan responded. We settled for 7-11 snacks. Not nearly satisfying, but it’ll do.
Walking past this massive line was an extreme sight. People in tents, fold-out chairs, groups of whole families just waiting on a five dollar discount. I sipped my frappuccino (Vanilla flavored, of course) and casually walked toward the end of the line, with a small smirk on my face as I passed each anonymous face. All these people fighting over the same laptop deal. The good thing was that no matter what place I was in, I knew I was getting my wish list fulfilled.
We grabbed a spot near the end, plopping onto the concrete. Now that I’m comfortable, I just have to wait for about four more hours. No worries. I decided to kill time listening to the Chinese group of young adults in front of me talking about grabbing everything in the store and passing it out to people. I couldn’t even make this up. I also started to think about the insanity of the whole situation. To think that people had been out here for days, even before Thanksgiving, sitting in front of a store, in a tent. It was like watching the very fiber of our country being torn in front of my eyes. Our “traditional” values of family and togetherness, being eclipsed by our “real” American values of capitalism. It’s not who you are but how much you have. Fuck a turkey and family, I want that flat screen.
Around 2:30 things got hairy, as a gap in the line was created and people ran to fill it up, myself included. By 4:00 I had worked my way all the way up to the entrance, cutting people where I saw fit. This is why we didn’t have to leave earlier, The Scum Squadron is a machine and we all have roles. I got us in first, while AlleyCat held the first spot in the purchase line inside, making friends with the workers as we shopped. We got in, got our shit and got out, all in less that twenty-three minutes. I had no idea AlleyCat was even holding out spots, so I missed out, and ended up having to cut the whole line. Nobody said a word to me.
Loading our bags into the car, we set off for the Mall. I place that ended up being lit up like it was early afternoon, not 6:00 in the morning. People shopping like it wasn’t the crack of dawn. At this point I was running on “E” and needed to find a bed immediately. After a few hours roaming the endless mall, we left searching for the safety of our own beds, and leaving the masses of people spending their last dollar. I can’t believe I wasted all that time for some damned $10 headphones.

AIM Makes for Funny Nights

This is conversation I'd like to share with you all when an associate of mine contacted me on AIM one night a while back. Now this person here usually isn't the brightest crayon in the box, but on this night she really showed her true colors. I was contacted to be told about her brand new aesthetic choice, which we had discussed months prior as being related to whorish activity. Mayhem ensues... Enjoy!

Her:Damien!!!!


Me: whats good


Her: wa cha doin?



Me:talkin to some folks and just online


Her: i got my tongue pierced.



Me:HAHAHAHAH
why


Her: spur of the moment typa thing.



Me:wow


Her: it hurt.



Me:now you look just like a somebody who enjoys a dick in the mouth!
congrats!


Her: ew. fuck you.
bye.



Me:ha!
im not the one with a tongue piercing in my mouth after we'd already discussed that the majority of people that get that, do that


Her: wtf, we also discussed that not all girls do that.

and i also told you that i dont do that.

fucking ass hole.



Me: but hey, people that don't know you don't know that

first impression is everything and if you look like you blow, people will assume that

dont be mad at me because im probably the only one being honest with you


Her: duh nigga, i kno the stereotype. and i dont give a fuck if people assume it. dont be pissed that its not ur dick, nigga. =]]


Me: who's pissed? not me. It's been you saying "fuck you" etc.

And dont call me no nigga.

You don't want me calling you bop, you don't call me nigga


Her: you bassically implied that i was a bop whether u said it or not, second, u never cared if i called u nigga before. someones got their panties in a bunch.


Me: that would be you, seeing as how you're mad because im just telling you what people are gonna assume. I simply asked you a simple request. So please, explain to me how im the one mad in anyway


Her: ur trippin.



Me: didn't think you could


Her: ur rude, ur an ass hole, and u dont say that kinda shit to a friend.

i guess were not friends.


Me: last time i checked, friends were supposed to be honest. i wouldnt want my friends telling what i WANTED to hear, but what i NEEDED to hear
you know, the truth

8:28 PM

Her: first of all you KNOW im not like that, secondly you dont gotta tell me all tha shit i already know, and third i already got it, theres nothing i can do about it now, i LIKE IT. and if ur friend is happy with something then u shouldnt be an ass hole. ur hella untactful.



Me:
1) I guess you couldn't read earlier, but I said its not about what I think


2)Just because somebody is happy doesnt mean i shouldn't be honest


3) untactful is not even a freakin word

if you're gonna try and insult me at least use something that exist


Her: look it up.


Me:just did you want the link?


Her: yes it is dumbass.

ur so rude.



Me: "http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/untactful"

i wouldn't say it if i didn't look it up

I dont see ONE definition for that word

i see definitions for "un"

but not untactful


Her: u know wat im talking about. smartass.


Me: how do i go from a dumbass to a smartass?

thats weird

its funny how you claim it real then call me a dumbass, but when i call you on it all you can say is "you know what i mean"

hahaha

dumbass

you're so mundane


Her:bottom line, i thought we were friends, sometimes honesty hurts people, and thats something u need to work on.

if were being honest here.

ur an ASS HOLE, and im surprised u have any friends at all.

She has gone offline.

Me:hahaha
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i am asshole, that's true
so are all my friends
you're just soft
and what makes it worst is that i'm the nicest one out of the bunch
hahahaahahhahah
trust me, you wouldn't have lasted this long with half the people i know
honesty hurts people that can't handle the truth
i'm glad all my friends are assholes, because at least i know when i hear something from them it real talk
and if you're gonna pull that sign off trick, maybe you should ACTUALLY sign off next time, kay? 

Scumdinavian Lexicon

When we embarked on our journey we slowly, but surely began to gather a vocabulary quite unique and distinct. It all started with a couple of simple terms of jargon, which has evolved and is still growing at a pretty rapid rate. What you are about to experience is a chronologically constructed dictionary of our vernacular thus far, enjoyami (the previous term has yet to be integrated)!

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Osh : to be used in situations where you feel “crunchy” or when you make a verbal, physical, or mental mistake. Related to the expression “Oh shit” but not limited to

“ I walked out of the bathroom when I realized there was a piece of toilet paper stuck on my shoe, osh.”

Scumbag : used to insult or simply to refer to any scumunist, scum , or an average joe you wish to harass.

“ What been up to you Scumbag!?”

Yee Wassup : primary usage is to greet peers but can also be used to express excitement in any situation you feel necessary.

Synonyms: Wazaa Wazaaa Wazaaaaa.

Emoticon : “>:)”

“ No class today, Yeee Wassup!”

BIG NUT BUST: to describe a situation that is, was, or going to be fun. ( Caps necessary)

Synonyms: Purple nut, epic, legendary.

“ Tonight is going to be a BIG NUT BUST.”

Purple Nut : to describe a situation that is, was, or going to be extremely fun or a monumental occasion which can be categorized as epic and or legendary.

“ Last night was so crazy yo, t’was a purple nut.”

Synonyms: BIG NUT BUST, epic, legendary.

Wazaa Wazaaa Wazaaaaa :purely to express excitement or enthusiasm and or greet peers. Can also be used to distract others for any purpose which you see fit or necessary.

Synonyms: Yee Wassup.

“Wazaa Wazaaa Wazaaaaa”

Scandinavian affair : a lively event or party that would entice any Scumunist to engage in.

“ Is it an all Scandinavian affair?”

Whadaosh : to be used selectively and rarely in extreme “osh” situations.

Goon: “ Dog, she had herpes!” , You: “WhadddaaaaOsshh!”

Wazimba: to express jubilation in any situation which you feel necessary, whether it be a moral or artificial victory.

Hypothetical Situation: You are playing beer pong and you and your partner score at a crucial time in the game; the momentum shifts in your direction.

Your Response: Wazimbaaaa!!!!

Wazimoto: a person who obtains or has a visually evident display of success. The level of success necessary to hold the status of “Wazimoto” should be relatively high, as it is an honor.

Hypothetical situation: A girl is pissin’ you off, so you spit in her face. Just to let her know she ain’t nothin’!

Your friends respond: Wazimoto!!!

Synonyms: Champion, Beast, Savage.

Second-Half Team

Opened my eyes and turned my head up to look out the window. Still pretty dim out, I can probably get a few more hours of sleep in. Grabbed the phone to check the time only to find out it was a minute past noon. Shit, where did the time go and what the hell did I do? Luckily the memory started to come back bit-by-bit and I was able to get a grasp on what type of scumunistic activities I had encountered the night before.
It was about 9:30 when we all left to hit the party. We had close to all the Scum Scuadron ready to roll out and reek havoc on the rest of the night: It was Pain, BadNews, Reverend, AlleyCat, Troop, and myself. It was our night and we were gonna make the most out of it, but first thing’s first; we needed directions. Those were gonna be hard to come by seeing as how didn’t even have an address to the location. But in true Scumdinavian form, we found out some friends were headed to the place so we decided to just create a convoy and follow the leader. That wouldn’t be so bad except one thing... our caravan leader had no fucking clue how to get to the house. Failure. Five u-turns and and fifteen minutes later light was shed on our plans and we were able to find our destination. Awesome.
We headed into the house to discover that it was a birthday party, you know the kind where you invite your close friends, not cars full of minorities. We were there now though, and I’d be damned if I didn’t leave there with a good night under my belt. That would be a real tough task seeing as how we WERE the population of the party, and there wasn’t a drop of liquor present. We’ve pulled some rabbits out of hats and created fun in plenty of situations, but none as drastic as that night. Instead of lingering in that cloud of awkwardness, we dipped downstairs only to find a foosball table and a ping pong table with, get this, people actually utilizing the table for table tennis. We all exchanged looks and wondered where the fuck is the booze? This was gonna be a tough win to pull out tonight.
“Fuck this, let’s hop on the foosball,” Pain invited. So we did, and he whooped my ass. After our series, I noticed out the corner of my eye the paddles were being replaced with Bud Light. There was hope for this night after all.
“Hey, we’re going to grab some drinks, what does everybody want?” Ann announced. She got us lost, be this more than made up for it. I voted that we take a trip south of the border; I had an urgent appointment scheduled with Mr. Cuervo, my decision advisor. Apparently, we had first class tickets to Russia to meet President Smirnoff. Eh, it’ll do, as long as we’re still international.
Before all this consumption could happen, I needed some grilled cow in my system. Orders got taken, money was distributed. and I was accompanied by AlleyCat and Troop to McDonalds to pick up our sustenance. As we pulled up to the drive-thru, I noticed about four girls knocking on the window of McDonalds while two guys were walking through the drive-thru, clearly wasted, trying to place an order. Midnight adventures are always fun, especially when you realize that you know the two guys wakling as though they were playing charades and they had to act out being a Honda. Next thing I know, my car is at maximum capacity and we’ve got even more food coming our way.
“What the hell are you guys doing walking, and how the fuck did you even get this far?” I asked out of sheer amusement.
“We didn’t walk, we’re with these drunk bitches, but they’re all gay so there was no point in riding with them anymore. We’re trying to get to that party. Can we follow you?” the homie asked. I love drunken logic.
“You guys can come, but I’m not letting anybody follow. We’re ditching those hoes if you want to come.”
“Aiite cool.”
Just like that we added to the party population and my morale started to grow. As we got back to the house and parked, I realized that there were a lot more cars in my field of vision than before. Yes, it’s time to make this night something to write home about. We stepped back in the house with fast food bags double fisted, pushing past the crowd that had flocked almost instantaneously, and headed back down to where left our comrades. On the way, I noticed that a room had been designated to dancing, and the list for pong had grown exponentially.
This is what we’ve grown accustom to as the year has progressed. We’ll get to a party that’s easily on it’s way to being a wasted mission, and the moment we show up, so does everybody else, bearing booze and well wishes. The first half of this night was extremely tough. Usually it never took this long to get things active, but we came out of the tunnel a little cold. We didn’t focus in practice that week, but it’s alright. Coach talked to us at halftime, got our minds right, and the second half would definitely be ours.
As I sat the food down, I traded a bag for a bottle and started giving my liver a little exercise. I even poured some vodka in my chaser. Tonight was mine. I even gave a man an extra cheeseburger I found in the bottom of my bag. Creating networks even on my off days, a nice little skill to keep handy. By the time we finally got up to the pong table, the party was tailing off. But that’s fine, I had already achieved inebriation.
For most people, this story would have ended when the party did, but my night was only escalating. Around 1:30 we got back to our living space. I hadn’t sat down for five minutes before my roommate walked in with a pipe and a nug of bomb weed. Hey, why not? BadNews and I swapped hits with Roommate until it was all gone. My mind was loading it’s suitcases and I was headed to a different celestial space. Drunken space traveling for the win. At this point, BadNew’s girlfriend had started to make her way back to my room along with Ann. Before they arrived I got a call from Wiz and he presented me with a plan of action
“Yo, get over here to Lak’s room. We’re trying to get some weed.”
“Man I already got company, I’m not trying to leave them here.” At this point, he stopped talking. I thought he was done but he was simply passing the phone to Lykke, easily the baddest European girl I’ve ever seen.
“Damien, it’s Lykke. Hey come over and hang out with us.” Peer pressure had never been so beautiful. The move had been made for me. I had to leave my company, there was no other way. As I jetted out my room, I looked over to see Pain unconscious on my living room couch. I’ll leave him be.
Next thing I know, I’m sitting in Lak’s room directly across from Lykke as she held a vaporizer nozzle. I ended up in a completely different galaxy, and there was still the task of walking back to the dorm. Somehow I made it, just in time to see my company out. Hopped in bed, grabbed my trashcan and sat it by the bed. I blinked a few times and it was noon.

On New Age Hippy Ideology.

Life really is nothing more than a never-ending cycle. Lion King had it right after all. Who would have thought that the ideas we, as a people, had fifty years ago would start to resurface again in a newer, more modernized light. We are on the cusp of revisiting a type of liberalism not seen since for ages; a type of mindset that says "be free and do what the winds howls to you." Yes, I'm talking about the strands of liberal hippy ideology that has started to show itself within the inner-workings of pop culture. Although there aren't may instances yet, over the past 2-3 years there has been more of an influx of liberalism.

Let's start with politics. I don't have to say much more than one word: Obama. An idea, once only held onto by the greatest of optimist, has now become a reality. A democratic black president has taken reigns in the white house... What the fuck!?! A move this major hasn't been made since Martin had many men walk that Million Man March. It honestly doesn't get more liberal than that.

Enough with that shit, let's move on to music and other artistic mediums. Just a few years ago, the world was blessed with a band so eclectic and psychedelic that you can't sling them in a genre, you simply have to refer them by their name: MGMT. A band that epitomizes the carefree spirit of a generation long forgotten has resurfaced to show that you can make music and live life however you want to, even if it means using a hefty amount of hallucinogenics. Hey at least you have the choice. MGMT isn't the only band though. We can travel to the southern hemisphere and find a band created more recently that share that same spiritual, nature-loving vibe within Empire of the Sun, a band who's name sounds like it could easily be some kinds of far out cult group. Dressed in Asian inspired attire their video for "Walking on Dream" screams mushroom trip waiting to happen.
Fear not, these aren't the only bands bringing back the spirit. The 60s had Hendrix, well we've got Cudi. A stoner if I've ever seen one. An artist that isn't afraid to speak on emotions and drug use isn't something that you usually find when looking through rap catalogs, however Cudi addresses these topics and straddles the line and incorporates more than one culture as influence and inspiration.
Now that we've had our electric feel for music, let's direct our attention to movies, namely Men Who Stare at Goats. A movie that is set in the time of New Age ideology. Due to it's recent release I won't go any further, as to not give up the plot. But either way, after you watch the movie, not much more needs to be said.

Basically, whether it's subconscious or more planned than we think, the hippy movement is back even it's subtle. We've already got hipsters parading around creating pretentious problems and living with a side of apathy. It's nothing more than a digitized, new age, liberal movement. The circle of life.