The Hell that is Black Friday.

Thanksgiving; A time that comes when leaves start to fall and ovens start to hum.I It’s symbolic of familial togetherness and that warm fuzzy feeling in your stomach known as the Itis. Now Thanksgiving is a little more synonymous with strategizing and figuring out tactics for Black Friday. The biggest shopping day of the year, aside from the day after Christmas, seems to grow exponentially bigger every year it’s allowed to breathe. At this point, it’s grown to such an extinct that the cage we’ve created for it is no longer sufficient to house the monster, leaving it to fester in it’s own filth. Take, for instance, this year’s experience with the beast.
After eating a sizable, Itis-inducing meal at my aunt’s house I made it a point to get the hell out of dodge by nightfall and back with my friends. Nothing against my family, but being home for the holidays isn’t too fun when after the incentive of food has been taken away. As much as I tried to nap, I couldn’t seem to manage a few minutes of slumber, so I left home around 8:00 in the evening and departed back to my own humble abode. The whole drive back all that was on my mind was that greenery we didn’t get to, and the deals to be had the next morning. AlleyCat’s words repeatedly rang in my ear, “when everybody gets back we’ll smoke the rest of it.” You gotta love home.
I arrived back a little before everybody else so I had to find some way to entertain myself while waiting; that’s nothing a little porn and video games couldn’t cure. An hour before midnight I got the call from up-top saying that the majority of the eagles had landed. We had only to wait for Satan to get back from the inevitably wild Thanksgiving he was having. I rushed over to hang with AlleyCat and Trooper, trading stories and laughs while I multi-tasked rolling that blunt that we had all been waiting for.
A little earlier, Satan had texted me saying “Ok, so Best Buy opens at five, and Wal-Mart is opening earlier than that with the Mall being our last stop. What’s the plan?” Judging by that text, I knew what wasn’t the plan, and that was sleeping. As far as where to start our journey, I didn’t give two fucks, seeing as how I was just going for the ride and the company of friends.
Midnight struck and Satan walked in, carrying ass loads of food and dessert. I swear, Thanksgiving is a stoner’s best friend. As soon as he set the bags down, he looked at us with a sense of urgency.
“Yo, we gotta start leaving now. Fucking Best Buy already has a serious line, and I’m not missing my shit.”
“Wait... what about the blunt?” we all rebutted simultaneously.
“Fuck that! We’ll blaze on the way, I’m parked right outside.” he counter-argued. Well, it looked like Satan was once again victorious. Looks like my Black Friday was starting a tad bit ahead of schedule, at 12:35
We scurried into the car and took off. First order of business? Light the Christmas tree. Usually I tend not to be cocky, but I barred this blunt. No question about it. Lasting from the time we put the car in drive until it was in park in front of Best Buy, I can safely say I started my shopping spree right... That is until I saw the fucking line. Spanning a corner and three massive stores, this shit was, for lack of a better word, epic. Just as we decided how to assess the situation, we all realized in unison that we were overly famished. Burger King was in order.
Pulling into the drive-thru we realized that not a single light was on, but that wasn’t gonna stop a thing. Satan even tried to reason with the King.
“King I need you, please! Be open! Where are you?!? Damn you, King. Damn you.” The negotiation process seemed to be working against us, so we drove through and decided that maybe we didn’t need to eat after all. Exiting the drive-thru, I noticed a sign saying “Open Thanksgiving!” Oh, how ironic. The thing is, we couldn’t sue because it was Friday... No longer Thanksgiving.
“Great now we’ve probably lost a few spots in line,” I said.
“It won’t matter, all the Chinese in line are just gonna grab everything in the store and start handing it out personally anyways,” Satan responded. We settled for 7-11 snacks. Not nearly satisfying, but it’ll do.
Walking past this massive line was an extreme sight. People in tents, fold-out chairs, groups of whole families just waiting on a five dollar discount. I sipped my frappuccino (Vanilla flavored, of course) and casually walked toward the end of the line, with a small smirk on my face as I passed each anonymous face. All these people fighting over the same laptop deal. The good thing was that no matter what place I was in, I knew I was getting my wish list fulfilled.
We grabbed a spot near the end, plopping onto the concrete. Now that I’m comfortable, I just have to wait for about four more hours. No worries. I decided to kill time listening to the Chinese group of young adults in front of me talking about grabbing everything in the store and passing it out to people. I couldn’t even make this up. I also started to think about the insanity of the whole situation. To think that people had been out here for days, even before Thanksgiving, sitting in front of a store, in a tent. It was like watching the very fiber of our country being torn in front of my eyes. Our “traditional” values of family and togetherness, being eclipsed by our “real” American values of capitalism. It’s not who you are but how much you have. Fuck a turkey and family, I want that flat screen.
Around 2:30 things got hairy, as a gap in the line was created and people ran to fill it up, myself included. By 4:00 I had worked my way all the way up to the entrance, cutting people where I saw fit. This is why we didn’t have to leave earlier, The Scum Squadron is a machine and we all have roles. I got us in first, while AlleyCat held the first spot in the purchase line inside, making friends with the workers as we shopped. We got in, got our shit and got out, all in less that twenty-three minutes. I had no idea AlleyCat was even holding out spots, so I missed out, and ended up having to cut the whole line. Nobody said a word to me.
Loading our bags into the car, we set off for the Mall. I place that ended up being lit up like it was early afternoon, not 6:00 in the morning. People shopping like it wasn’t the crack of dawn. At this point I was running on “E” and needed to find a bed immediately. After a few hours roaming the endless mall, we left searching for the safety of our own beds, and leaving the masses of people spending their last dollar. I can’t believe I wasted all that time for some damned $10 headphones.